It had been just over a year ago when I took over the responsibility of my 100 yo grandmother. Noone knew at that time that the toughest year of my life was about to happen.
As most know, my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. She's been in chemo since March...and is on a break now from it. All I really know is that as I sit at my desk at work...I find myself some days just holding my head in my hands and crying. Crying because I feel like I've already lost my mother....a whole summer almost gone and she hasn't been able to do what she loves or to come see me at my house. It's a lonely, lost feeling.
And now, as I'm trying to adjust to life without my mother being active (she sleeps or is nausous all the time) I find that my father is not well either. The man that I idolize, the man that is the most important man of my life is about to embark on a game in his life that I'm fearful, he won't win. It's a horrible thought, but true. I see him struggling with Parkinson's and now cancer.
The questions that come to my mind are of frustration, confusion, worry, and disbelief of how two people who lived a life of complete goodness, have something so bad happen to them.
At the time where they should be enjoying their golden years...they are joined with doctors and nurses...and damn insurance company problems.
I hate this life as I know it now. I hate that the two people I love the most are dying in front of my eyes...I hate that I can't help them to take away the pain.
I hate that my memories of my parents in the past year have been of them struggling.
I just wish I could take away all their troubles and I want my parents back the way they were when we would travel to Hawaii, venture to Yosemite, look for indian beads in New Mexico or tend their garden on the farm. I wish my father and I were able to take our backpacking trip to Alaska, as planned, before my mother became sick.
I hate and I wish....for things that will never be the same.
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